So here I am in the same predicament like before, but worse. I feel the loss a bit heavily this time and it seems to be corroding my mind again. It seems things have compounded itself today but you know, I have to use this issue to motivate myself further and resolve the issue.
The solution to problems like these is to not neglect the emotions I have right now and use them to my advantage. Through pain, one can build character and have more control over my emotions. I must not rush these feelings and make sure I feel them fully for myself to grow to become a better person.
One thing to note, was I really in the right here acting the way I did and thought the way I did. I admit those feelings were true and existent, but remember adhering to morals you firmly believe can make you become a much better person. Just remember, they were never right for you. You deserve better. YOU are the one that gave in. Now, pull away, pull away indefinitely. This is not something you want to be a part of because it's all psychological and not beneficial in any way. Persistence is good but not for ones that are ones that you shouldn't get involved with.
Well anyways, to fix a problem, just because you have addressed the temporary issue does not mean it won't happen again. What I must do is begin the long journey of developing a habit that will fix my problem. It WILL be hard and arduous and tedious and boring and not immediately gratifying, but in the end the rewards are great.
And so...my journey begins.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Making Quick Decisions
I am proud of myself today. The regret I had from yesterday was very much relieved today. My anxiety in meeting new people, especially girls, amounted to quite the beast yesterday. I started off well by just showing others I was having good time and just having eye contact with some girls without breaking it. However, throughout the night, I lost that momentum, my anxiety just was so much that I couldn't approach anyone other than my group.
Today, I suppressed that beast quite a bit. Yes, I failed miserably with my semi-direct opener but this feeling of relief is so great. It was VERY painful for those several moments, I just wanted to run away. I at least kept my composure so I am glad but this is something I really needed to do to suppress that behemoth of anxiety lurking. The words of my opener was good I think, but I am at a point where I can't even think properly when I am delivering it. The anxiety was overflowing and my body posture and tonality was just, what the fuck. Until I get to the point where I would be comfortable in these very awkward situations, I don't think I can focus on my posture and everything. I have to force my body to learn that these awkward situations, will not harm me physically or mentally in any kind of way. The fear from it will not amount to any harm as long as I stay away from doing these in my social circle.
Well anyways, I think what really helped me today is just making decisions within a short amount of time. I have to just go with my instincts to help me through and it really helped me with getting work done and especially this accomplishment today. I just need to continue doing so.
Today, I suppressed that beast quite a bit. Yes, I failed miserably with my semi-direct opener but this feeling of relief is so great. It was VERY painful for those several moments, I just wanted to run away. I at least kept my composure so I am glad but this is something I really needed to do to suppress that behemoth of anxiety lurking. The words of my opener was good I think, but I am at a point where I can't even think properly when I am delivering it. The anxiety was overflowing and my body posture and tonality was just, what the fuck. Until I get to the point where I would be comfortable in these very awkward situations, I don't think I can focus on my posture and everything. I have to force my body to learn that these awkward situations, will not harm me physically or mentally in any kind of way. The fear from it will not amount to any harm as long as I stay away from doing these in my social circle.
Well anyways, I think what really helped me today is just making decisions within a short amount of time. I have to just go with my instincts to help me through and it really helped me with getting work done and especially this accomplishment today. I just need to continue doing so.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
In the Mind
Today, we were interviewing potential new members and this one guy was just for sure not going to get in but he was very interesting to interview. It wasn't just that he had this very depressing background story of his life but the way he expressed this story made him a very interesting character to probe. Of course, he would really need help, like professional help, to help him get out of the torture he is stuck in. The thing was, he was really stuck in his head about everything. His mind wandered from topic to topic and not too focused on a coherent topic. But disregarding all of that and focusing on the aspect that he really needed help, is to realize that all of us, are all just in some ways crying out for help though we are hesitant to admit it. It pains us and we all try to keep in but it expresses itself in many ways that are out of our control.
Going onto another topic, ahahah, do you know why change is so hard? I mean, it's not impossible but like why it's really really fucking hard? Well for one, considering our normal body's homeostatic mechanisms, we have a tendency to achieve and retain equilibrium. BUT, that's just a nerdy way to simply say we really like to just stay in our comfort zone. It is this fact on top of the notion that when most people like me, for instance, want to make a change, we go by impulse but not by true discipline. In other words, we have these whims or temporary impulses that drive us to change. But do they last? No, of course they don't. They are feelings, they are temporary emotions that seem to just burn at at a sight of disappointment but flicker out when those emotions are washed away. When you really want to change, there are moments when you do have the hard times and you have that fighting emotional momentum to pass through them. However, what's even harder then all of these times are those moments when you are happy because you are content and you might just end up slacking for a little and end up eating a fatty food when it was just a whim, that that feeling won't have a big impact on you. Or what's even worse is when you are bored. At these moments, you don't have the emotional momentum to just fight through the temptations, you just have nothing stimulating you or motivating you to keep your commitment to change. It's these anticlimactic moments that are really hard to endure these changes, that are so underestimated in the attempting to change.
Going onto another topic, ahahah, do you know why change is so hard? I mean, it's not impossible but like why it's really really fucking hard? Well for one, considering our normal body's homeostatic mechanisms, we have a tendency to achieve and retain equilibrium. BUT, that's just a nerdy way to simply say we really like to just stay in our comfort zone. It is this fact on top of the notion that when most people like me, for instance, want to make a change, we go by impulse but not by true discipline. In other words, we have these whims or temporary impulses that drive us to change. But do they last? No, of course they don't. They are feelings, they are temporary emotions that seem to just burn at at a sight of disappointment but flicker out when those emotions are washed away. When you really want to change, there are moments when you do have the hard times and you have that fighting emotional momentum to pass through them. However, what's even harder then all of these times are those moments when you are happy because you are content and you might just end up slacking for a little and end up eating a fatty food when it was just a whim, that that feeling won't have a big impact on you. Or what's even worse is when you are bored. At these moments, you don't have the emotional momentum to just fight through the temptations, you just have nothing stimulating you or motivating you to keep your commitment to change. It's these anticlimactic moments that are really hard to endure these changes, that are so underestimated in the attempting to change.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Overcoming my Jealousy and Insecurities
I guess you can say my current situation is both a terribly unlucky situation while at the same time being very fortunate. It is so goddamn hard to get through this. Oh man, I just keep cursing these moments over and over while at the same time being glad that this would arise when my confidence is peaking.
I am just such a jealous person and actually I have realized, it is due to my insecurities. I've had this feeling of not being wanted, not being better than the next person, a true feeling of inadequacy.
My sole insecurity... Not being in a relationship ever even though I am 22 years old. This alone destroys my pride significantly no matter how much I might succeed in life. I am seriously not bad with girls but that thought and inexperience alone knocks my mind. I think, this is the first time I've actually admitted this to myself and have never really come to terms with this issue. It's just been suppressed within me that I am so afraid to do something.
I really have to tell myself that really, I am attractive girls and the fact that not being in a relationship really doesn't mean anything. I've connected with people, hung out with lots of different types of people, made new random friends who are girls just by me initiating conversations. I just always lose it somehow.
How do I lose it? I never really thought about it but I think, I just am not persistent and patient enough to continue through with it. I guess in past incidences, I did get content.
I will from now on, commit myself to try and get a relationship going. I will tell myself, that I am not desperate and I should not settle for anything less than I deserve but I shall be open to a relationship. I will struggle and continue. I know that if I continue trying in my erratic way of attempts, I will always succeed. It seems like it has been that way my whole life but I never really realized it. I got to move forward, continue, and struggle through the hard times.
I am just such a jealous person and actually I have realized, it is due to my insecurities. I've had this feeling of not being wanted, not being better than the next person, a true feeling of inadequacy.
My sole insecurity... Not being in a relationship ever even though I am 22 years old. This alone destroys my pride significantly no matter how much I might succeed in life. I am seriously not bad with girls but that thought and inexperience alone knocks my mind. I think, this is the first time I've actually admitted this to myself and have never really come to terms with this issue. It's just been suppressed within me that I am so afraid to do something.
I really have to tell myself that really, I am attractive girls and the fact that not being in a relationship really doesn't mean anything. I've connected with people, hung out with lots of different types of people, made new random friends who are girls just by me initiating conversations. I just always lose it somehow.
How do I lose it? I never really thought about it but I think, I just am not persistent and patient enough to continue through with it. I guess in past incidences, I did get content.
I will from now on, commit myself to try and get a relationship going. I will tell myself, that I am not desperate and I should not settle for anything less than I deserve but I shall be open to a relationship. I will struggle and continue. I know that if I continue trying in my erratic way of attempts, I will always succeed. It seems like it has been that way my whole life but I never really realized it. I got to move forward, continue, and struggle through the hard times.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Personal Success
Not to brag or anything today but I just want to go over all my successes that I enjoyed throughout this whole summer, it'll help my mind get over things and help me give the self-esteem and confidence to conquer the obstacles that keep popping up in my path. But holy shit, so many things just keep on trying to take me down, though I will not let them. I'ma just make a list.
My successes:
1. I made consistent effort to talk to people in my summer classes, well at least when I wasn't tired.
2. Talked to people I would have never otherwise met in class just by randomly striking up conversations.
3. I did a lot of research studies to save money up for my DJ equipment.
4. I started cutting my own hair, which is pretty scary but fun. I also made my hair look pretty good, very "edgy" look and balances out my face.
5. I have found very good sources and structure in finding and downloading new music.
6. I re-did my music library to have all 320kbps songs and have found ways to tag my music well.
7. I ended up exercising, swimming in particular, every other day.
8. I have learned how to use and make this blog and the other one.
9. I attempted and learned penny auctions is not very trusting thing to go on to and, more importantly, learned how unethical businesses can be.
10. I have become a super cleaning freak.
11. I DID REALLY WELL ON THE OATS!!!!!!!! =)
12. I learned to shop well on-line including knowing sites with good deals.
13. I have begun to learn how to meditate.
My successes:
1. I made consistent effort to talk to people in my summer classes, well at least when I wasn't tired.
2. Talked to people I would have never otherwise met in class just by randomly striking up conversations.
3. I did a lot of research studies to save money up for my DJ equipment.
4. I started cutting my own hair, which is pretty scary but fun. I also made my hair look pretty good, very "edgy" look and balances out my face.
5. I have found very good sources and structure in finding and downloading new music.
6. I re-did my music library to have all 320kbps songs and have found ways to tag my music well.
7. I ended up exercising, swimming in particular, every other day.
8. I have learned how to use and make this blog and the other one.
9. I attempted and learned penny auctions is not very trusting thing to go on to and, more importantly, learned how unethical businesses can be.
10. I have become a super cleaning freak.
11. I DID REALLY WELL ON THE OATS!!!!!!!! =)
12. I learned to shop well on-line including knowing sites with good deals.
13. I have begun to learn how to meditate.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Believe in you...who believes in himself
"Believe in you...who believes in himself"
-Kamina from Gurren Lagann
It's a stupid quote really. But hey I love anime and anime characters inspire me. In addition, I honestly haven't met anyone in real life that truly and deeply inspired me though I know those types of inspirational people do exist out there. For now, I'll take these anime characters and they can be my models. No not the cheesy and simplistic type of personas of anime characters but one of those characters who know how to push and move forward despite the circumstances (ie. Zoro! oh yes the green maribo).
Well anyways, tomorrow I have myself a shit ton of studying to do. I have a plan of studying that requires me 6 and a half hours of full-on studying. What I mean by "full-on" is that those 6 and a half hours does not count the breaks, and estimated best possible times on the studying for each thing I have. I cannot lag and I better try my best to keep up with this.
Actually, just right now, I reduced this time by 40 minutes taking out the 2 Reading Comprehensions that I was planning to do. I have one more day to do those so I can delay that.
To be honest, I have been slacking with the studying but it must be me burning out from all this studying. I also have this tendency to divert my full focus on to something else that really puts me off track.
Believe in you...who believes in himself. Do I believe in myself that I could do this? That I can do well on my OATs? That I really can push myself further than I already have? That I can stop myself from slacking again and getting of track? I am not sure to be honest. I have this doubt lingering. How does one get rid of this godforsaken doubt?
-Kamina from Gurren Lagann
It's a stupid quote really. But hey I love anime and anime characters inspire me. In addition, I honestly haven't met anyone in real life that truly and deeply inspired me though I know those types of inspirational people do exist out there. For now, I'll take these anime characters and they can be my models. No not the cheesy and simplistic type of personas of anime characters but one of those characters who know how to push and move forward despite the circumstances (ie. Zoro! oh yes the green maribo).
Well anyways, tomorrow I have myself a shit ton of studying to do. I have a plan of studying that requires me 6 and a half hours of full-on studying. What I mean by "full-on" is that those 6 and a half hours does not count the breaks, and estimated best possible times on the studying for each thing I have. I cannot lag and I better try my best to keep up with this.
Actually, just right now, I reduced this time by 40 minutes taking out the 2 Reading Comprehensions that I was planning to do. I have one more day to do those so I can delay that.
To be honest, I have been slacking with the studying but it must be me burning out from all this studying. I also have this tendency to divert my full focus on to something else that really puts me off track.
Believe in you...who believes in himself. Do I believe in myself that I could do this? That I can do well on my OATs? That I really can push myself further than I already have? That I can stop myself from slacking again and getting of track? I am not sure to be honest. I have this doubt lingering. How does one get rid of this godforsaken doubt?
Friday, September 9, 2011
Locked Out
Have you ever had times when you felt like you were locked in whatever you were doing day after day and you just wanted to get out and lock yourself out from that inner prison?
Well, be careful what you wish for. I am locked outside of my apartment and staying over at someone else's (thank god he was here). Anyways here I am attempting to resist my desire to play Halo Reach while I am writing my first post to this blog.
The reason why I am starting this blog and not just writing a private journal kept to myself is for several purposes:
1. Making a public blog would help me keep a consistent journal
2. I want to be able to vocalize any opinion that I have freely to others
3. This will help me better my abilities to communicate with others by helping me write better.
4. I'm a narcissistic cunt who loves myself.
For #1, I've had trouble keeping a consistent journal in that I'd write a journal daily for like a month, but then I would stop. A public blog has a lot of cool gadgets and things I can play with so that I'd be more likely to come back. Furthermore, making something public would give me some kind of motivation to continually write a journal log.
I have this thing where I believe that you should have the courage to vocalize any opinion you feel or at least the ones you strongly feel. No I don't mean ones that might get you into jail or lose all your friends. I mean the opinions that you might not normally say or things that people not like you for even if you feel strongly about it. So on this blog I will say things that people will probably disagree or even be against but I shall vocalize everything that I feel bearing the thought that people might not like me for it.
For #3, simply put, by writing consistently I shall be able to write better and eventually better my communication skills. Verbalizing my thoughts is tough for me disordered brain.
Finally, I'm a narcissist so screw you and listen to what I have to say.
So right now, I don't have my wallet, nor my phone, nor my keys... I am hungry as hell waiting for someone to feed me. Well maybe this is good for me in that I am so used to just take out food and eat whatever at any time I want that this starvation will help me get on track. Well anyways done with my first post and I am going to watch something to keep my mind off food.
Well, be careful what you wish for. I am locked outside of my apartment and staying over at someone else's (thank god he was here). Anyways here I am attempting to resist my desire to play Halo Reach while I am writing my first post to this blog.
The reason why I am starting this blog and not just writing a private journal kept to myself is for several purposes:
1. Making a public blog would help me keep a consistent journal
2. I want to be able to vocalize any opinion that I have freely to others
3. This will help me better my abilities to communicate with others by helping me write better.
4. I'm a narcissistic cunt who loves myself.
For #1, I've had trouble keeping a consistent journal in that I'd write a journal daily for like a month, but then I would stop. A public blog has a lot of cool gadgets and things I can play with so that I'd be more likely to come back. Furthermore, making something public would give me some kind of motivation to continually write a journal log.
I have this thing where I believe that you should have the courage to vocalize any opinion you feel or at least the ones you strongly feel. No I don't mean ones that might get you into jail or lose all your friends. I mean the opinions that you might not normally say or things that people not like you for even if you feel strongly about it. So on this blog I will say things that people will probably disagree or even be against but I shall vocalize everything that I feel bearing the thought that people might not like me for it.
For #3, simply put, by writing consistently I shall be able to write better and eventually better my communication skills. Verbalizing my thoughts is tough for me disordered brain.
Finally, I'm a narcissist so screw you and listen to what I have to say.
So right now, I don't have my wallet, nor my phone, nor my keys... I am hungry as hell waiting for someone to feed me. Well maybe this is good for me in that I am so used to just take out food and eat whatever at any time I want that this starvation will help me get on track. Well anyways done with my first post and I am going to watch something to keep my mind off food.
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