For the past few weeks since school ended, I believe I have wasted the time I have been granted. But really can I say I "wasted" that time? Maybe I was really yearning to just let it all loose after those long arduous years.
Do I regret those years? I am not so sure...Though I do know this, I instinctively know I shouldn't. I've made those decisions in the past and has led me up to this point, to this character of mine, to the accomplishments I have made, whether trivial or significant. And knowing me, I have trouble remembering how I was back then or what I was feeling at those times. It was the same me back then, though slightly different.
But what if...? No I should stop there. Those questions are the torment of the mind. That is why I hate it when people tend to always try to point out blame or talk about all the negative aspects of a consequence. They don't figure out the solution. They are focused on the past and what could have happened if it all went according to plan. Man, it irritates me so much. Not because I hate those people but they always remind me of the past things that I want to get away from. I try real hard to focus on the present, the now, the action leading towards the future.
For the future and my goals, I have suddenly adopted a lovely idea as part of my goal, to get to a point where no one can shit on me or the people I care about. I have always wondered why people would ever want to intentionally provoke or anger someone or have to criticize others to such a harsh degree. I mean I understood the possible reasons for doing so such as insecurity, boredom, lack of empathy but the thing is I can never really understand how that would feel like. It is not to say I have never been insecure or any of those, I just handled those feelings in a different way. I've always had the mentality of never attacking someone who hasn't attacked you no matter how much you wanted something. Yet it seems to me that some people are pretty oblivious or ignorant or selfish, or etc. that they would just want to start walking all over you despite what they say. Maybe I was living in my own idealistic world expecting others to do the same as I do for them.
So with this new idea and goal, I am no longer seeking for such a deep profound meaning of my life nor will I attempt to construe such a complicated reason to live my life. I will simply pursue improving my life like I always have, not to shit on others, not to get revenge, nor to become the best, but simply because I've always wanted to be who I am, to let me individuality and eccentricity shine through. You know honestly all this time I've always felt bad to pursue my goals with such forceful intent. I feel that at one point by just acting the way I really want to, I would truly be stepping on people's toes and maybe truly hurting some people I shouldn't. Is it bad for me to be selfish to protect myself and improve my life? It really held me back. I always thought it was just really selfish if you just took everything you can achieve even if you weren't stealing from others per se. But now I realize that, if I accomplish what I set out to do I'd be doing more good than harm. Why? Because you have to really fight and grab what you want for yourself so that in the end, you can use what you have gained for the better and to use it better than others who would have done the same thing or by some streak of luck obtained it. If you just stand there wondering whether maybe someone else wants it or not, nothing will come of that. Just as I have learned from anime (man I learn some good shit from anime, silly as it sounds, it is no sillier than how life plays jokes on mine) if you want to be successful you really do have to embody what everyone covets. That it really is okay for the successful to be selfish and obtain what everyone else wants, that is if they are truly going to protect and lead those around them. You have to have people's respect to effect change and to be of course, impermeable to being shit on. Of course, they must be bolder, more extreme, more daring than the rest to even obtain those things.
Anyways, I want to get to a point where nobody can shit on my individuality and leave me stinking. It's not to say that they won't ever be able to shit on me, it's just that if they do I want to be able to have the choice to completely overwhelm them with 10x more shit and/or be so in control of my own shit, that their shit becomes trivial to mine. I want to live a life full of eccentric never-ending turmoils and exhilarations where no one can lay a shit on what I want to be or do. Simply put, I want to live my life purely based on my eccentric instincts impregnable to being shit on.
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