I guess you can say my current situation is both a terribly unlucky situation while at the same time being very fortunate. It is so goddamn hard to get through this. Oh man, I just keep cursing these moments over and over while at the same time being glad that this would arise when my confidence is peaking.
I am just such a jealous person and actually I have realized, it is due to my insecurities. I've had this feeling of not being wanted, not being better than the next person, a true feeling of inadequacy.
My sole insecurity... Not being in a relationship ever even though I am 22 years old. This alone destroys my pride significantly no matter how much I might succeed in life. I am seriously not bad with girls but that thought and inexperience alone knocks my mind. I think, this is the first time I've actually admitted this to myself and have never really come to terms with this issue. It's just been suppressed within me that I am so afraid to do something.
I really have to tell myself that really, I am attractive girls and the fact that not being in a relationship really doesn't mean anything. I've connected with people, hung out with lots of different types of people, made new random friends who are girls just by me initiating conversations. I just always lose it somehow.
How do I lose it? I never really thought about it but I think, I just am not persistent and patient enough to continue through with it. I guess in past incidences, I did get content.
I will from now on, commit myself to try and get a relationship going. I will tell myself, that I am not desperate and I should not settle for anything less than I deserve but I shall be open to a relationship. I will struggle and continue. I know that if I continue trying in my erratic way of attempts, I will always succeed. It seems like it has been that way my whole life but I never really realized it. I got to move forward, continue, and struggle through the hard times.
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