For the past few weeks since school ended, I believe I have wasted the time I have been granted. But really can I say I "wasted" that time? Maybe I was really yearning to just let it all loose after those long arduous years.
Do I regret those years? I am not so sure...Though I do know this, I instinctively know I shouldn't. I've made those decisions in the past and has led me up to this point, to this character of mine, to the accomplishments I have made, whether trivial or significant. And knowing me, I have trouble remembering how I was back then or what I was feeling at those times. It was the same me back then, though slightly different.
But what if...? No I should stop there. Those questions are the torment of the mind. That is why I hate it when people tend to always try to point out blame or talk about all the negative aspects of a consequence. They don't figure out the solution. They are focused on the past and what could have happened if it all went according to plan. Man, it irritates me so much. Not because I hate those people but they always remind me of the past things that I want to get away from. I try real hard to focus on the present, the now, the action leading towards the future.
For the future and my goals, I have suddenly adopted a lovely idea as part of my goal, to get to a point where no one can shit on me or the people I care about. I have always wondered why people would ever want to intentionally provoke or anger someone or have to criticize others to such a harsh degree. I mean I understood the possible reasons for doing so such as insecurity, boredom, lack of empathy but the thing is I can never really understand how that would feel like. It is not to say I have never been insecure or any of those, I just handled those feelings in a different way. I've always had the mentality of never attacking someone who hasn't attacked you no matter how much you wanted something. Yet it seems to me that some people are pretty oblivious or ignorant or selfish, or etc. that they would just want to start walking all over you despite what they say. Maybe I was living in my own idealistic world expecting others to do the same as I do for them.
So with this new idea and goal, I am no longer seeking for such a deep profound meaning of my life nor will I attempt to construe such a complicated reason to live my life. I will simply pursue improving my life like I always have, not to shit on others, not to get revenge, nor to become the best, but simply because I've always wanted to be who I am, to let me individuality and eccentricity shine through. You know honestly all this time I've always felt bad to pursue my goals with such forceful intent. I feel that at one point by just acting the way I really want to, I would truly be stepping on people's toes and maybe truly hurting some people I shouldn't. Is it bad for me to be selfish to protect myself and improve my life? It really held me back. I always thought it was just really selfish if you just took everything you can achieve even if you weren't stealing from others per se. But now I realize that, if I accomplish what I set out to do I'd be doing more good than harm. Why? Because you have to really fight and grab what you want for yourself so that in the end, you can use what you have gained for the better and to use it better than others who would have done the same thing or by some streak of luck obtained it. If you just stand there wondering whether maybe someone else wants it or not, nothing will come of that. Just as I have learned from anime (man I learn some good shit from anime, silly as it sounds, it is no sillier than how life plays jokes on mine) if you want to be successful you really do have to embody what everyone covets. That it really is okay for the successful to be selfish and obtain what everyone else wants, that is if they are truly going to protect and lead those around them. You have to have people's respect to effect change and to be of course, impermeable to being shit on. Of course, they must be bolder, more extreme, more daring than the rest to even obtain those things.
Anyways, I want to get to a point where nobody can shit on my individuality and leave me stinking. It's not to say that they won't ever be able to shit on me, it's just that if they do I want to be able to have the choice to completely overwhelm them with 10x more shit and/or be so in control of my own shit, that their shit becomes trivial to mine. I want to live a life full of eccentric never-ending turmoils and exhilarations where no one can lay a shit on what I want to be or do. Simply put, I want to live my life purely based on my eccentric instincts impregnable to being shit on.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Swag
I'm continually confronting the pain that I feel at a moment-to-moment basis. I thought that after one bout of these feelings, after fighting and suppressing them, that they would simply go away afterwards and I wouldn't have to think about them. However, this is not the case in that, they do come back time after time and I always have to remind myself why I am doing the things I am doing.
These are a few things I need to continually remind myself with:
1. I need to remind myself that I deserve better. She has a extremely fast switch that can make her flip, just like from a good mood to a bad mood at the slightest notion. She is so reserved that she would not really stick up for herself if it came to a confrontation. She is very critical about people but would never say anything to the person mentioned (something I have found out to be a very unattractive characteristic to me). I could mention more but these are the main ones.
2. I have made my decision on what I want to do about this situation. "A real man makes decisions and lives with the consequences", hence, I will not go back on my decision. I have to stay firm and stick with the decision I have made for better or for worse. Of course, there are situations where you must retract a decision due to extenuating circumstances, BUT THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM. Here is something I read that helped me from falling off into the deep end:
"Alpha males are rare but successful because it takes a certain strength to achieve. When you want to become strong and successful in relationships, learning to hold back and endure powerful emotions before panicking and responding will be a massive strength. Panic is a weakness and what the vast majority of people do, fuelled by fear. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions yet stick to what you know is the correct course of action is how alphaness is born and you truly take control of yourself. Women know they can control men who are controlled by emotions. This allows them to control relationships. Ironically, women are attracted to men they cannot control..."
3. I must confront/accept my past and the things I regret. If I can't come to terms with the large amount of regret I have and accept that I must act to fix them, then I won't be able to move on and prevent myself from garnering further regret. I must look at the regret eye-to-eye and take the actions I must to make my life better by fixing these regrets. Another thing I read that helped me:
"Pain aversion: Most people will avoid pain now, even at the cost of increased pain later. It takes intelligence, discipline and maturity to take a hit now to avoid a harder one later"
More or less, these ideas are all important for me in moving on with this past issue and helping right my future.
Finally, I have to say right now, the amount of focus I have gained out of nowhere has significantly increased my livelihood, production and success though there really is nothing tangible I can actually say to someone that this has helped. But I will continue this momentum I have right now and constantly look up and forward with my chest out, shoulders out, and a bit of swag.
These are a few things I need to continually remind myself with:
1. I need to remind myself that I deserve better. She has a extremely fast switch that can make her flip, just like from a good mood to a bad mood at the slightest notion. She is so reserved that she would not really stick up for herself if it came to a confrontation. She is very critical about people but would never say anything to the person mentioned (something I have found out to be a very unattractive characteristic to me). I could mention more but these are the main ones.
2. I have made my decision on what I want to do about this situation. "A real man makes decisions and lives with the consequences", hence, I will not go back on my decision. I have to stay firm and stick with the decision I have made for better or for worse. Of course, there are situations where you must retract a decision due to extenuating circumstances, BUT THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM. Here is something I read that helped me from falling off into the deep end:
"Alpha males are rare but successful because it takes a certain strength to achieve. When you want to become strong and successful in relationships, learning to hold back and endure powerful emotions before panicking and responding will be a massive strength. Panic is a weakness and what the vast majority of people do, fuelled by fear. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions yet stick to what you know is the correct course of action is how alphaness is born and you truly take control of yourself. Women know they can control men who are controlled by emotions. This allows them to control relationships. Ironically, women are attracted to men they cannot control..."
3. I must confront/accept my past and the things I regret. If I can't come to terms with the large amount of regret I have and accept that I must act to fix them, then I won't be able to move on and prevent myself from garnering further regret. I must look at the regret eye-to-eye and take the actions I must to make my life better by fixing these regrets. Another thing I read that helped me:
"Pain aversion: Most people will avoid pain now, even at the cost of increased pain later. It takes intelligence, discipline and maturity to take a hit now to avoid a harder one later"
More or less, these ideas are all important for me in moving on with this past issue and helping right my future.
Finally, I have to say right now, the amount of focus I have gained out of nowhere has significantly increased my livelihood, production and success though there really is nothing tangible I can actually say to someone that this has helped. But I will continue this momentum I have right now and constantly look up and forward with my chest out, shoulders out, and a bit of swag.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Now
Today was something else. It's an experience that I have never experienced before but I am glad I did this. I put everything on the line for this dream of mine, a dream in which I am following because I FEEL is right and not just because I think is right. I was even ready to sacrifice the financial support from my parents so I can gain the independence in my life that I have always yearned for. But, luck has it that I don't have to bear this burden and they finally understood my passion and came to support me. This dream of mine, I have never felt so passionate about anything before. Before I used to go with a dream that was logical, that if I rationalized every part of my future life that I would be happy. However, that kind of mentality completely neglected the feelings burning within me, my real feelings of doubt and dissatisfaction with what I was planning to do with the rest of my life. This dream of mine may not be the most sane or logical thing to do in leading a typical, normal life, but did I ever want that?
The other day, my dad asked with such contempt and disappointment why I was so different. I found it a relief when he said that. In fact I considered it a compliment. To be truly different from those old Korean friends of mine who were on a predicted path laid before them, I felt that I am following the right path. With the shit I was exposed to as a kid, I could never lead that lifestyle. I want something more, something that invigorates me, something that fuels my desire for adventures, for something that makes me hold my breath at every corner. I've yearned and yearned for something that is not deeper but rather, more fundamental than the crap that I've been working towards. How could I expect myself to become a doctor when I felt like medicine was just an interesting topic but nothing more? When I knew I could help people in so many different ways and that I could care less whether it was me or someone I paid to help people in need? When my path through medical school and beyond would make me a slave to a system I had no control of? Where I have to constantly study myself to death and compete with people who either think they are some type of Godsend or people who knows no better? Where my freedom would be constrained by rules and forced to conform and lose all the independence I have desired for throughout my whole life?
This new dream of mine will be full of adventures, full of excitement, full of unpredictability. I can step forward knowing that I won't be thinking about what happened to me in the past, nor about what is going to happen, but rather thinking about the present moment, which is the only thing we all have now.
The other day, my dad asked with such contempt and disappointment why I was so different. I found it a relief when he said that. In fact I considered it a compliment. To be truly different from those old Korean friends of mine who were on a predicted path laid before them, I felt that I am following the right path. With the shit I was exposed to as a kid, I could never lead that lifestyle. I want something more, something that invigorates me, something that fuels my desire for adventures, for something that makes me hold my breath at every corner. I've yearned and yearned for something that is not deeper but rather, more fundamental than the crap that I've been working towards. How could I expect myself to become a doctor when I felt like medicine was just an interesting topic but nothing more? When I knew I could help people in so many different ways and that I could care less whether it was me or someone I paid to help people in need? When my path through medical school and beyond would make me a slave to a system I had no control of? Where I have to constantly study myself to death and compete with people who either think they are some type of Godsend or people who knows no better? Where my freedom would be constrained by rules and forced to conform and lose all the independence I have desired for throughout my whole life?
This new dream of mine will be full of adventures, full of excitement, full of unpredictability. I can step forward knowing that I won't be thinking about what happened to me in the past, nor about what is going to happen, but rather thinking about the present moment, which is the only thing we all have now.
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Beginning of Fixing the Predicament
So here I am in the same predicament like before, but worse. I feel the loss a bit heavily this time and it seems to be corroding my mind again. It seems things have compounded itself today but you know, I have to use this issue to motivate myself further and resolve the issue.
The solution to problems like these is to not neglect the emotions I have right now and use them to my advantage. Through pain, one can build character and have more control over my emotions. I must not rush these feelings and make sure I feel them fully for myself to grow to become a better person.
One thing to note, was I really in the right here acting the way I did and thought the way I did. I admit those feelings were true and existent, but remember adhering to morals you firmly believe can make you become a much better person. Just remember, they were never right for you. You deserve better. YOU are the one that gave in. Now, pull away, pull away indefinitely. This is not something you want to be a part of because it's all psychological and not beneficial in any way. Persistence is good but not for ones that are ones that you shouldn't get involved with.
Well anyways, to fix a problem, just because you have addressed the temporary issue does not mean it won't happen again. What I must do is begin the long journey of developing a habit that will fix my problem. It WILL be hard and arduous and tedious and boring and not immediately gratifying, but in the end the rewards are great.
And so...my journey begins.
The solution to problems like these is to not neglect the emotions I have right now and use them to my advantage. Through pain, one can build character and have more control over my emotions. I must not rush these feelings and make sure I feel them fully for myself to grow to become a better person.
One thing to note, was I really in the right here acting the way I did and thought the way I did. I admit those feelings were true and existent, but remember adhering to morals you firmly believe can make you become a much better person. Just remember, they were never right for you. You deserve better. YOU are the one that gave in. Now, pull away, pull away indefinitely. This is not something you want to be a part of because it's all psychological and not beneficial in any way. Persistence is good but not for ones that are ones that you shouldn't get involved with.
Well anyways, to fix a problem, just because you have addressed the temporary issue does not mean it won't happen again. What I must do is begin the long journey of developing a habit that will fix my problem. It WILL be hard and arduous and tedious and boring and not immediately gratifying, but in the end the rewards are great.
And so...my journey begins.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Making Quick Decisions
I am proud of myself today. The regret I had from yesterday was very much relieved today. My anxiety in meeting new people, especially girls, amounted to quite the beast yesterday. I started off well by just showing others I was having good time and just having eye contact with some girls without breaking it. However, throughout the night, I lost that momentum, my anxiety just was so much that I couldn't approach anyone other than my group.
Today, I suppressed that beast quite a bit. Yes, I failed miserably with my semi-direct opener but this feeling of relief is so great. It was VERY painful for those several moments, I just wanted to run away. I at least kept my composure so I am glad but this is something I really needed to do to suppress that behemoth of anxiety lurking. The words of my opener was good I think, but I am at a point where I can't even think properly when I am delivering it. The anxiety was overflowing and my body posture and tonality was just, what the fuck. Until I get to the point where I would be comfortable in these very awkward situations, I don't think I can focus on my posture and everything. I have to force my body to learn that these awkward situations, will not harm me physically or mentally in any kind of way. The fear from it will not amount to any harm as long as I stay away from doing these in my social circle.
Well anyways, I think what really helped me today is just making decisions within a short amount of time. I have to just go with my instincts to help me through and it really helped me with getting work done and especially this accomplishment today. I just need to continue doing so.
Today, I suppressed that beast quite a bit. Yes, I failed miserably with my semi-direct opener but this feeling of relief is so great. It was VERY painful for those several moments, I just wanted to run away. I at least kept my composure so I am glad but this is something I really needed to do to suppress that behemoth of anxiety lurking. The words of my opener was good I think, but I am at a point where I can't even think properly when I am delivering it. The anxiety was overflowing and my body posture and tonality was just, what the fuck. Until I get to the point where I would be comfortable in these very awkward situations, I don't think I can focus on my posture and everything. I have to force my body to learn that these awkward situations, will not harm me physically or mentally in any kind of way. The fear from it will not amount to any harm as long as I stay away from doing these in my social circle.
Well anyways, I think what really helped me today is just making decisions within a short amount of time. I have to just go with my instincts to help me through and it really helped me with getting work done and especially this accomplishment today. I just need to continue doing so.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
In the Mind
Today, we were interviewing potential new members and this one guy was just for sure not going to get in but he was very interesting to interview. It wasn't just that he had this very depressing background story of his life but the way he expressed this story made him a very interesting character to probe. Of course, he would really need help, like professional help, to help him get out of the torture he is stuck in. The thing was, he was really stuck in his head about everything. His mind wandered from topic to topic and not too focused on a coherent topic. But disregarding all of that and focusing on the aspect that he really needed help, is to realize that all of us, are all just in some ways crying out for help though we are hesitant to admit it. It pains us and we all try to keep in but it expresses itself in many ways that are out of our control.
Going onto another topic, ahahah, do you know why change is so hard? I mean, it's not impossible but like why it's really really fucking hard? Well for one, considering our normal body's homeostatic mechanisms, we have a tendency to achieve and retain equilibrium. BUT, that's just a nerdy way to simply say we really like to just stay in our comfort zone. It is this fact on top of the notion that when most people like me, for instance, want to make a change, we go by impulse but not by true discipline. In other words, we have these whims or temporary impulses that drive us to change. But do they last? No, of course they don't. They are feelings, they are temporary emotions that seem to just burn at at a sight of disappointment but flicker out when those emotions are washed away. When you really want to change, there are moments when you do have the hard times and you have that fighting emotional momentum to pass through them. However, what's even harder then all of these times are those moments when you are happy because you are content and you might just end up slacking for a little and end up eating a fatty food when it was just a whim, that that feeling won't have a big impact on you. Or what's even worse is when you are bored. At these moments, you don't have the emotional momentum to just fight through the temptations, you just have nothing stimulating you or motivating you to keep your commitment to change. It's these anticlimactic moments that are really hard to endure these changes, that are so underestimated in the attempting to change.
Going onto another topic, ahahah, do you know why change is so hard? I mean, it's not impossible but like why it's really really fucking hard? Well for one, considering our normal body's homeostatic mechanisms, we have a tendency to achieve and retain equilibrium. BUT, that's just a nerdy way to simply say we really like to just stay in our comfort zone. It is this fact on top of the notion that when most people like me, for instance, want to make a change, we go by impulse but not by true discipline. In other words, we have these whims or temporary impulses that drive us to change. But do they last? No, of course they don't. They are feelings, they are temporary emotions that seem to just burn at at a sight of disappointment but flicker out when those emotions are washed away. When you really want to change, there are moments when you do have the hard times and you have that fighting emotional momentum to pass through them. However, what's even harder then all of these times are those moments when you are happy because you are content and you might just end up slacking for a little and end up eating a fatty food when it was just a whim, that that feeling won't have a big impact on you. Or what's even worse is when you are bored. At these moments, you don't have the emotional momentum to just fight through the temptations, you just have nothing stimulating you or motivating you to keep your commitment to change. It's these anticlimactic moments that are really hard to endure these changes, that are so underestimated in the attempting to change.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Overcoming my Jealousy and Insecurities
I guess you can say my current situation is both a terribly unlucky situation while at the same time being very fortunate. It is so goddamn hard to get through this. Oh man, I just keep cursing these moments over and over while at the same time being glad that this would arise when my confidence is peaking.
I am just such a jealous person and actually I have realized, it is due to my insecurities. I've had this feeling of not being wanted, not being better than the next person, a true feeling of inadequacy.
My sole insecurity... Not being in a relationship ever even though I am 22 years old. This alone destroys my pride significantly no matter how much I might succeed in life. I am seriously not bad with girls but that thought and inexperience alone knocks my mind. I think, this is the first time I've actually admitted this to myself and have never really come to terms with this issue. It's just been suppressed within me that I am so afraid to do something.
I really have to tell myself that really, I am attractive girls and the fact that not being in a relationship really doesn't mean anything. I've connected with people, hung out with lots of different types of people, made new random friends who are girls just by me initiating conversations. I just always lose it somehow.
How do I lose it? I never really thought about it but I think, I just am not persistent and patient enough to continue through with it. I guess in past incidences, I did get content.
I will from now on, commit myself to try and get a relationship going. I will tell myself, that I am not desperate and I should not settle for anything less than I deserve but I shall be open to a relationship. I will struggle and continue. I know that if I continue trying in my erratic way of attempts, I will always succeed. It seems like it has been that way my whole life but I never really realized it. I got to move forward, continue, and struggle through the hard times.
I am just such a jealous person and actually I have realized, it is due to my insecurities. I've had this feeling of not being wanted, not being better than the next person, a true feeling of inadequacy.
My sole insecurity... Not being in a relationship ever even though I am 22 years old. This alone destroys my pride significantly no matter how much I might succeed in life. I am seriously not bad with girls but that thought and inexperience alone knocks my mind. I think, this is the first time I've actually admitted this to myself and have never really come to terms with this issue. It's just been suppressed within me that I am so afraid to do something.
I really have to tell myself that really, I am attractive girls and the fact that not being in a relationship really doesn't mean anything. I've connected with people, hung out with lots of different types of people, made new random friends who are girls just by me initiating conversations. I just always lose it somehow.
How do I lose it? I never really thought about it but I think, I just am not persistent and patient enough to continue through with it. I guess in past incidences, I did get content.
I will from now on, commit myself to try and get a relationship going. I will tell myself, that I am not desperate and I should not settle for anything less than I deserve but I shall be open to a relationship. I will struggle and continue. I know that if I continue trying in my erratic way of attempts, I will always succeed. It seems like it has been that way my whole life but I never really realized it. I got to move forward, continue, and struggle through the hard times.
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