Today was something else. It's an experience that I have never experienced before but I am glad I did this. I put everything on the line for this dream of mine, a dream in which I am following because I FEEL is right and not just because I think is right. I was even ready to sacrifice the financial support from my parents so I can gain the independence in my life that I have always yearned for. But, luck has it that I don't have to bear this burden and they finally understood my passion and came to support me. This dream of mine, I have never felt so passionate about anything before. Before I used to go with a dream that was logical, that if I rationalized every part of my future life that I would be happy. However, that kind of mentality completely neglected the feelings burning within me, my real feelings of doubt and dissatisfaction with what I was planning to do with the rest of my life. This dream of mine may not be the most sane or logical thing to do in leading a typical, normal life, but did I ever want that?
The other day, my dad asked with such contempt and disappointment why I was so different. I found it a relief when he said that. In fact I considered it a compliment. To be truly different from those old Korean friends of mine who were on a predicted path laid before them, I felt that I am following the right path. With the shit I was exposed to as a kid, I could never lead that lifestyle. I want something more, something that invigorates me, something that fuels my desire for adventures, for something that makes me hold my breath at every corner. I've yearned and yearned for something that is not deeper but rather, more fundamental than the crap that I've been working towards. How could I expect myself to become a doctor when I felt like medicine was just an interesting topic but nothing more? When I knew I could help people in so many different ways and that I could care less whether it was me or someone I paid to help people in need? When my path through medical school and beyond would make me a slave to a system I had no control of? Where I have to constantly study myself to death and compete with people who either think they are some type of Godsend or people who knows no better? Where my freedom would be constrained by rules and forced to conform and lose all the independence I have desired for throughout my whole life?
This new dream of mine will be full of adventures, full of excitement, full of unpredictability. I can step forward knowing that I won't be thinking about what happened to me in the past, nor about what is going to happen, but rather thinking about the present moment, which is the only thing we all have now.
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