I guess you can say my current situation is both a terribly unlucky situation while at the same time being very fortunate. It is so goddamn hard to get through this. Oh man, I just keep cursing these moments over and over while at the same time being glad that this would arise when my confidence is peaking.
I am just such a jealous person and actually I have realized, it is due to my insecurities. I've had this feeling of not being wanted, not being better than the next person, a true feeling of inadequacy.
My sole insecurity... Not being in a relationship ever even though I am 22 years old. This alone destroys my pride significantly no matter how much I might succeed in life. I am seriously not bad with girls but that thought and inexperience alone knocks my mind. I think, this is the first time I've actually admitted this to myself and have never really come to terms with this issue. It's just been suppressed within me that I am so afraid to do something.
I really have to tell myself that really, I am attractive girls and the fact that not being in a relationship really doesn't mean anything. I've connected with people, hung out with lots of different types of people, made new random friends who are girls just by me initiating conversations. I just always lose it somehow.
How do I lose it? I never really thought about it but I think, I just am not persistent and patient enough to continue through with it. I guess in past incidences, I did get content.
I will from now on, commit myself to try and get a relationship going. I will tell myself, that I am not desperate and I should not settle for anything less than I deserve but I shall be open to a relationship. I will struggle and continue. I know that if I continue trying in my erratic way of attempts, I will always succeed. It seems like it has been that way my whole life but I never really realized it. I got to move forward, continue, and struggle through the hard times.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Personal Success
Not to brag or anything today but I just want to go over all my successes that I enjoyed throughout this whole summer, it'll help my mind get over things and help me give the self-esteem and confidence to conquer the obstacles that keep popping up in my path. But holy shit, so many things just keep on trying to take me down, though I will not let them. I'ma just make a list.
My successes:
1. I made consistent effort to talk to people in my summer classes, well at least when I wasn't tired.
2. Talked to people I would have never otherwise met in class just by randomly striking up conversations.
3. I did a lot of research studies to save money up for my DJ equipment.
4. I started cutting my own hair, which is pretty scary but fun. I also made my hair look pretty good, very "edgy" look and balances out my face.
5. I have found very good sources and structure in finding and downloading new music.
6. I re-did my music library to have all 320kbps songs and have found ways to tag my music well.
7. I ended up exercising, swimming in particular, every other day.
8. I have learned how to use and make this blog and the other one.
9. I attempted and learned penny auctions is not very trusting thing to go on to and, more importantly, learned how unethical businesses can be.
10. I have become a super cleaning freak.
11. I DID REALLY WELL ON THE OATS!!!!!!!! =)
12. I learned to shop well on-line including knowing sites with good deals.
13. I have begun to learn how to meditate.
My successes:
1. I made consistent effort to talk to people in my summer classes, well at least when I wasn't tired.
2. Talked to people I would have never otherwise met in class just by randomly striking up conversations.
3. I did a lot of research studies to save money up for my DJ equipment.
4. I started cutting my own hair, which is pretty scary but fun. I also made my hair look pretty good, very "edgy" look and balances out my face.
5. I have found very good sources and structure in finding and downloading new music.
6. I re-did my music library to have all 320kbps songs and have found ways to tag my music well.
7. I ended up exercising, swimming in particular, every other day.
8. I have learned how to use and make this blog and the other one.
9. I attempted and learned penny auctions is not very trusting thing to go on to and, more importantly, learned how unethical businesses can be.
10. I have become a super cleaning freak.
11. I DID REALLY WELL ON THE OATS!!!!!!!! =)
12. I learned to shop well on-line including knowing sites with good deals.
13. I have begun to learn how to meditate.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Believe in you...who believes in himself
"Believe in you...who believes in himself"
-Kamina from Gurren Lagann
It's a stupid quote really. But hey I love anime and anime characters inspire me. In addition, I honestly haven't met anyone in real life that truly and deeply inspired me though I know those types of inspirational people do exist out there. For now, I'll take these anime characters and they can be my models. No not the cheesy and simplistic type of personas of anime characters but one of those characters who know how to push and move forward despite the circumstances (ie. Zoro! oh yes the green maribo).
Well anyways, tomorrow I have myself a shit ton of studying to do. I have a plan of studying that requires me 6 and a half hours of full-on studying. What I mean by "full-on" is that those 6 and a half hours does not count the breaks, and estimated best possible times on the studying for each thing I have. I cannot lag and I better try my best to keep up with this.
Actually, just right now, I reduced this time by 40 minutes taking out the 2 Reading Comprehensions that I was planning to do. I have one more day to do those so I can delay that.
To be honest, I have been slacking with the studying but it must be me burning out from all this studying. I also have this tendency to divert my full focus on to something else that really puts me off track.
Believe in you...who believes in himself. Do I believe in myself that I could do this? That I can do well on my OATs? That I really can push myself further than I already have? That I can stop myself from slacking again and getting of track? I am not sure to be honest. I have this doubt lingering. How does one get rid of this godforsaken doubt?
-Kamina from Gurren Lagann
It's a stupid quote really. But hey I love anime and anime characters inspire me. In addition, I honestly haven't met anyone in real life that truly and deeply inspired me though I know those types of inspirational people do exist out there. For now, I'll take these anime characters and they can be my models. No not the cheesy and simplistic type of personas of anime characters but one of those characters who know how to push and move forward despite the circumstances (ie. Zoro! oh yes the green maribo).
Well anyways, tomorrow I have myself a shit ton of studying to do. I have a plan of studying that requires me 6 and a half hours of full-on studying. What I mean by "full-on" is that those 6 and a half hours does not count the breaks, and estimated best possible times on the studying for each thing I have. I cannot lag and I better try my best to keep up with this.
Actually, just right now, I reduced this time by 40 minutes taking out the 2 Reading Comprehensions that I was planning to do. I have one more day to do those so I can delay that.
To be honest, I have been slacking with the studying but it must be me burning out from all this studying. I also have this tendency to divert my full focus on to something else that really puts me off track.
Believe in you...who believes in himself. Do I believe in myself that I could do this? That I can do well on my OATs? That I really can push myself further than I already have? That I can stop myself from slacking again and getting of track? I am not sure to be honest. I have this doubt lingering. How does one get rid of this godforsaken doubt?
Friday, September 9, 2011
Locked Out
Have you ever had times when you felt like you were locked in whatever you were doing day after day and you just wanted to get out and lock yourself out from that inner prison?
Well, be careful what you wish for. I am locked outside of my apartment and staying over at someone else's (thank god he was here). Anyways here I am attempting to resist my desire to play Halo Reach while I am writing my first post to this blog.
The reason why I am starting this blog and not just writing a private journal kept to myself is for several purposes:
1. Making a public blog would help me keep a consistent journal
2. I want to be able to vocalize any opinion that I have freely to others
3. This will help me better my abilities to communicate with others by helping me write better.
4. I'm a narcissistic cunt who loves myself.
For #1, I've had trouble keeping a consistent journal in that I'd write a journal daily for like a month, but then I would stop. A public blog has a lot of cool gadgets and things I can play with so that I'd be more likely to come back. Furthermore, making something public would give me some kind of motivation to continually write a journal log.
I have this thing where I believe that you should have the courage to vocalize any opinion you feel or at least the ones you strongly feel. No I don't mean ones that might get you into jail or lose all your friends. I mean the opinions that you might not normally say or things that people not like you for even if you feel strongly about it. So on this blog I will say things that people will probably disagree or even be against but I shall vocalize everything that I feel bearing the thought that people might not like me for it.
For #3, simply put, by writing consistently I shall be able to write better and eventually better my communication skills. Verbalizing my thoughts is tough for me disordered brain.
Finally, I'm a narcissist so screw you and listen to what I have to say.
So right now, I don't have my wallet, nor my phone, nor my keys... I am hungry as hell waiting for someone to feed me. Well maybe this is good for me in that I am so used to just take out food and eat whatever at any time I want that this starvation will help me get on track. Well anyways done with my first post and I am going to watch something to keep my mind off food.
Well, be careful what you wish for. I am locked outside of my apartment and staying over at someone else's (thank god he was here). Anyways here I am attempting to resist my desire to play Halo Reach while I am writing my first post to this blog.
The reason why I am starting this blog and not just writing a private journal kept to myself is for several purposes:
1. Making a public blog would help me keep a consistent journal
2. I want to be able to vocalize any opinion that I have freely to others
3. This will help me better my abilities to communicate with others by helping me write better.
4. I'm a narcissistic cunt who loves myself.
For #1, I've had trouble keeping a consistent journal in that I'd write a journal daily for like a month, but then I would stop. A public blog has a lot of cool gadgets and things I can play with so that I'd be more likely to come back. Furthermore, making something public would give me some kind of motivation to continually write a journal log.
I have this thing where I believe that you should have the courage to vocalize any opinion you feel or at least the ones you strongly feel. No I don't mean ones that might get you into jail or lose all your friends. I mean the opinions that you might not normally say or things that people not like you for even if you feel strongly about it. So on this blog I will say things that people will probably disagree or even be against but I shall vocalize everything that I feel bearing the thought that people might not like me for it.
For #3, simply put, by writing consistently I shall be able to write better and eventually better my communication skills. Verbalizing my thoughts is tough for me disordered brain.
Finally, I'm a narcissist so screw you and listen to what I have to say.
So right now, I don't have my wallet, nor my phone, nor my keys... I am hungry as hell waiting for someone to feed me. Well maybe this is good for me in that I am so used to just take out food and eat whatever at any time I want that this starvation will help me get on track. Well anyways done with my first post and I am going to watch something to keep my mind off food.
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