So here I am in the same predicament like before, but worse. I feel the loss a bit heavily this time and it seems to be corroding my mind again. It seems things have compounded itself today but you know, I have to use this issue to motivate myself further and resolve the issue.
The solution to problems like these is to not neglect the emotions I have right now and use them to my advantage. Through pain, one can build character and have more control over my emotions. I must not rush these feelings and make sure I feel them fully for myself to grow to become a better person.
One thing to note, was I really in the right here acting the way I did and thought the way I did. I admit those feelings were true and existent, but remember adhering to morals you firmly believe can make you become a much better person. Just remember, they were never right for you. You deserve better. YOU are the one that gave in. Now, pull away, pull away indefinitely. This is not something you want to be a part of because it's all psychological and not beneficial in any way. Persistence is good but not for ones that are ones that you shouldn't get involved with.
Well anyways, to fix a problem, just because you have addressed the temporary issue does not mean it won't happen again. What I must do is begin the long journey of developing a habit that will fix my problem. It WILL be hard and arduous and tedious and boring and not immediately gratifying, but in the end the rewards are great.
And so...my journey begins.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Making Quick Decisions
I am proud of myself today. The regret I had from yesterday was very much relieved today. My anxiety in meeting new people, especially girls, amounted to quite the beast yesterday. I started off well by just showing others I was having good time and just having eye contact with some girls without breaking it. However, throughout the night, I lost that momentum, my anxiety just was so much that I couldn't approach anyone other than my group.
Today, I suppressed that beast quite a bit. Yes, I failed miserably with my semi-direct opener but this feeling of relief is so great. It was VERY painful for those several moments, I just wanted to run away. I at least kept my composure so I am glad but this is something I really needed to do to suppress that behemoth of anxiety lurking. The words of my opener was good I think, but I am at a point where I can't even think properly when I am delivering it. The anxiety was overflowing and my body posture and tonality was just, what the fuck. Until I get to the point where I would be comfortable in these very awkward situations, I don't think I can focus on my posture and everything. I have to force my body to learn that these awkward situations, will not harm me physically or mentally in any kind of way. The fear from it will not amount to any harm as long as I stay away from doing these in my social circle.
Well anyways, I think what really helped me today is just making decisions within a short amount of time. I have to just go with my instincts to help me through and it really helped me with getting work done and especially this accomplishment today. I just need to continue doing so.
Today, I suppressed that beast quite a bit. Yes, I failed miserably with my semi-direct opener but this feeling of relief is so great. It was VERY painful for those several moments, I just wanted to run away. I at least kept my composure so I am glad but this is something I really needed to do to suppress that behemoth of anxiety lurking. The words of my opener was good I think, but I am at a point where I can't even think properly when I am delivering it. The anxiety was overflowing and my body posture and tonality was just, what the fuck. Until I get to the point where I would be comfortable in these very awkward situations, I don't think I can focus on my posture and everything. I have to force my body to learn that these awkward situations, will not harm me physically or mentally in any kind of way. The fear from it will not amount to any harm as long as I stay away from doing these in my social circle.
Well anyways, I think what really helped me today is just making decisions within a short amount of time. I have to just go with my instincts to help me through and it really helped me with getting work done and especially this accomplishment today. I just need to continue doing so.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
In the Mind
Today, we were interviewing potential new members and this one guy was just for sure not going to get in but he was very interesting to interview. It wasn't just that he had this very depressing background story of his life but the way he expressed this story made him a very interesting character to probe. Of course, he would really need help, like professional help, to help him get out of the torture he is stuck in. The thing was, he was really stuck in his head about everything. His mind wandered from topic to topic and not too focused on a coherent topic. But disregarding all of that and focusing on the aspect that he really needed help, is to realize that all of us, are all just in some ways crying out for help though we are hesitant to admit it. It pains us and we all try to keep in but it expresses itself in many ways that are out of our control.
Going onto another topic, ahahah, do you know why change is so hard? I mean, it's not impossible but like why it's really really fucking hard? Well for one, considering our normal body's homeostatic mechanisms, we have a tendency to achieve and retain equilibrium. BUT, that's just a nerdy way to simply say we really like to just stay in our comfort zone. It is this fact on top of the notion that when most people like me, for instance, want to make a change, we go by impulse but not by true discipline. In other words, we have these whims or temporary impulses that drive us to change. But do they last? No, of course they don't. They are feelings, they are temporary emotions that seem to just burn at at a sight of disappointment but flicker out when those emotions are washed away. When you really want to change, there are moments when you do have the hard times and you have that fighting emotional momentum to pass through them. However, what's even harder then all of these times are those moments when you are happy because you are content and you might just end up slacking for a little and end up eating a fatty food when it was just a whim, that that feeling won't have a big impact on you. Or what's even worse is when you are bored. At these moments, you don't have the emotional momentum to just fight through the temptations, you just have nothing stimulating you or motivating you to keep your commitment to change. It's these anticlimactic moments that are really hard to endure these changes, that are so underestimated in the attempting to change.
Going onto another topic, ahahah, do you know why change is so hard? I mean, it's not impossible but like why it's really really fucking hard? Well for one, considering our normal body's homeostatic mechanisms, we have a tendency to achieve and retain equilibrium. BUT, that's just a nerdy way to simply say we really like to just stay in our comfort zone. It is this fact on top of the notion that when most people like me, for instance, want to make a change, we go by impulse but not by true discipline. In other words, we have these whims or temporary impulses that drive us to change. But do they last? No, of course they don't. They are feelings, they are temporary emotions that seem to just burn at at a sight of disappointment but flicker out when those emotions are washed away. When you really want to change, there are moments when you do have the hard times and you have that fighting emotional momentum to pass through them. However, what's even harder then all of these times are those moments when you are happy because you are content and you might just end up slacking for a little and end up eating a fatty food when it was just a whim, that that feeling won't have a big impact on you. Or what's even worse is when you are bored. At these moments, you don't have the emotional momentum to just fight through the temptations, you just have nothing stimulating you or motivating you to keep your commitment to change. It's these anticlimactic moments that are really hard to endure these changes, that are so underestimated in the attempting to change.
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