Swag

I'm continually confronting the pain that I feel at a moment-to-moment basis. I thought that after one bout of these feelings, after fighting and suppressing them, that they would simply go away afterwards and I wouldn't have to think about them. However, this is not the case in that, they do come back time after time and I always have to remind myself why I am doing the things I am doing.

These are a few things I need to continually remind myself with:

1. I need to remind myself that I deserve better. She has a extremely fast switch that can make her flip, just like from a good mood to a bad mood at the slightest notion. She is so reserved that she would not really stick up for herself if it came to a confrontation. She is very critical about people but would never say anything to the person mentioned (something I have found out to be a very unattractive characteristic to me). I could mention more but these are the main ones.

2. I have made my decision on what I want to do about this situation. "A real man makes decisions and lives with the consequences", hence, I will not go back on my decision. I have to stay firm and stick with the decision I have made for better or for worse. Of course, there are situations where you must retract a decision due to extenuating circumstances, BUT THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM. Here is something I read that helped me from falling off into the deep end:
"Alpha males are rare but successful because it takes a certain strength to achieve. When you want to become strong and successful in relationships, learning to hold back and endure powerful emotions before panicking and responding will be a massive strength. Panic is a weakness and what the vast majority of people do, fuelled by fear. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions yet stick to what you know is the correct course of action is how alphaness is born and you truly take control of yourself. Women know they can control men who are controlled by emotions. This allows them to control relationships. Ironically, women are attracted to men they cannot control..."

3. I must confront/accept my past and the things I regret. If I can't come to terms with the large amount of regret I have and accept that I must act to fix them, then I won't be able to move on and prevent myself from garnering further regret. I must look at the regret eye-to-eye and take the actions I must to make my life better by fixing these regrets. Another thing I read that helped me:
"Pain aversion: Most people will avoid pain now, even at the cost of increased pain later. It takes intelligence, discipline and maturity to take a hit now to avoid a harder one later"

More or less, these ideas are all important for me in moving on with this past issue and helping right my future.

Finally, I have to say right now, the amount of focus I have gained out of nowhere has significantly increased my livelihood, production and success though there really is nothing tangible I can actually say to someone that this has helped. But I will continue this momentum I have right now and constantly look up and forward with my chest out, shoulders out, and a bit of swag.

The Now

Today was something else. It's an experience that I have never experienced before but I am glad I did this. I put everything on the line for this dream of mine, a dream in which I am following because I FEEL is right and not just because I think is right. I was even ready to sacrifice the financial support from my parents so I can gain the independence in my life that I have always yearned for. But, luck has it that I don't have to bear this burden and they finally understood my passion and came to support me. This dream of mine, I have never felt so passionate about anything before. Before I used to go with a dream that was logical, that if I rationalized every part of my future life that I would be happy. However, that kind of mentality completely neglected the feelings burning within me, my real feelings of doubt and dissatisfaction with what I was planning to do with the rest of my life. This dream of mine may not be the most sane or logical thing to do in leading a typical, normal life, but did I ever want that?

The other day, my dad asked with such contempt and disappointment why I was so different. I found it a relief when he said that. In fact I considered it a compliment. To be truly different from those old Korean friends of mine who were on a predicted path laid before them, I felt that I am following the right path. With the shit I was exposed to as a kid, I could never lead that lifestyle. I want something more, something that invigorates me, something that fuels my desire for adventures, for something that makes me hold my breath at every corner. I've yearned and yearned for something that is not deeper but rather, more fundamental than the crap that I've been working towards. How could I expect myself to become a doctor when I felt like medicine was just an interesting topic but nothing more? When I knew I could help people in so many different ways and that I could care less whether it was me or someone I paid to help people in need? When my path through medical school and beyond would make me a slave to a system I had no control of? Where I have to constantly study myself to death and compete with people who either think they are some type of Godsend or people who knows no better? Where my freedom would be constrained by rules and forced to conform and lose all the independence I have desired for throughout my whole life?

This new dream of mine will be full of adventures, full of excitement, full of unpredictability. I can step forward knowing that I won't be thinking about what happened to me in the past, nor about what is going to happen, but rather thinking about the present moment, which is the only thing we all have now.